Misery is what I feel

If I had to sum up my mood right now, I would say that I’m pretty damn depressed.

My doctor had me change medications at the beginning of May, but I haven’t noticed any improvement in my mood.  In fact, it’s probably gotten worse after my mom having a stroke and me moving back in with my parents and away from all my friends.

I just hate living with my parents.  They keep harping at me because I’m grouchy and unhelpful, but they don’t realize how much I hate it here.  Even if they did, my dad wouldn’t say anything, and my mom would just say that I need to see my doctor, it’s up to me to make a change, maybe if I did more I wouldn’t be so unhappy, I just need to get out and make some friends.  Problem is, I’m not very good at making friends.  I’m so painfully shy, and I don’t really have anything in common with my classmates.  Plus, most of my classmates are at least 10 years older than me; most of them are in their 40s-50s.

What’s really frustrating is that I still can’t stop thinking about Khris.  Sometimes I can go a whole day without thinking of him, and then he just pops into my mind and won’t go away.  I’m trying really hard to just move on, since I’ve accepted that a snowball in hell probably has a better chance than I do with Khris.  I just don’t have anything else to think about or do that keeps my mind occupied.  All I can think about is when I go to Georgian in January to get the paperwork signed is if I will run into him.  I literally have a soap opera scene in my mind of how I would expect it to go.  It makes me feel really pathetic.

On a completely different note, when I went to the Royal last weekend, they announced that Hickstead died.  I keep thinking that it’s a dream or something, and it’s not true.  Hickstead was my favourite athlete.  I guess some people would think it’s stupid to get so worked up over a horse, but I assume people would feel the same if their favourite human athlete suddenly died.  I’m really sad that I never got to see Hickstead in person; my mom told me that she saw Eric Lamaze and Hickstead at the Royal two years ago.

I have a working interview on Tuesday for a couple hours.  I’m a little worried that I won’t be able to keep up with the pace of the work.  They’re going to be 11 hour days, and I just don’t know if my knee can handle that, especially going into winter.  I wish I’d never had the skiing accident.  I hate what it’s done to me.

Speaking of injuries, my wrist still aches from when I caught that dog jumping out of the tub at school.  The doctor at the hospital said that it was a tendon injury, and that it should heal if I kept it immobilized for 10 days.  I did that, back in January when it happened, and it’s still bothering me.  Mom says it could be carpal tunnel, and of course I’m wrong when I tell her it’s not, it’s the tendon injury acting up again.  I’m so fucking tired of my mom always having to be right.

I’m stressed about Mable too.  I’ve noticed the past few times when I took her for a walk that she’s starting to trip on flat surfaces.  I also noticed her do it in the hall today, when there was nothing for her to trip over.  I’m worried that her hips are getting worse.  I don’t know what I will do if she loses the ability to walk.  Well, I know what I’d have to do, but I’m not ready to go there yet.

I just want to feel happy again.


~ by blacksheepintheroom on November 13, 2011.

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